Criminal
by densifanatic
Summary: Just a quick one-shot, my first! Kensi realizes her feelings while listening to a song in a bar. How will she handle her newly found clarity?


**A/N - This is my first FF, so please bear with me! I welcome any constructive criticism and hope to be able to share more stories with you all in the future. This story just wouldn't leave me until I wrote it, and was inspired by a night at karaoke. Enjoy, and please let me know what you think! :)**

**I do nit own any characters, nor do I own the song. Song is "Criminal" by Fiona Apple.**

Criminal

Kensi sat in the dark, lonely room, surrounded by empty bar stools. Nights like tonight, she just couldn't stand sitting at home, alone, in her apartment. There were only three other patrons in the bar, none of which were her shaggy haired partner. Oh, God, how she wished she could see him now…

_'Ms. Blye, I have been informed that Mr. Deeks' presence is required for a critical undercover mission with the LAPD. They have assured me that his absence here should not exceed three weeks. During this time, you will be working with Mr. Hanna and Mr. Callen,' the tiny Operations Manager kept her usual, cool tone as she could see the desperation rising in her young agent._

_'Hetty, you do remember what happened last time, right? They said he would only be gone for weeks, and he was gone for months! I, uh… we cannot stand to lose him now! Our caselo-'_

_'Ms. Blye, your understanding in this matter would be greatly appreciated. There is simply nothing that I can do at this moment to bring Mr. Deeks back to us before LAPD has finished with him.'_

_Kensi sputtered, "Finished with him, huh? That's almost what happened to him last time!'_

_Hetty contained her frustration with the young agent, only allowing enough into her voice to get her point across. 'Ms. Blye, I have told you all that I can. Please go back to your desk, as Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna will be seeking your assistance very soon._

Kensi replayed that conversation in her head over and over as she sipped her scotch. All she wanted to do was drown her sorrows. She had known something was wrong when he wasn't in the bullpen when she arrived that day. She had even stopped for his favorite coffee on the way, which made her late with the unusually heavy LA traffic. She expected to see his mesmerizing grin, his deep blue eyes. She was met with nothing but an empty desk. That was when Hetty had called her name, and her heart fell to her feet.

Why had he not called her? Or even sent a text? He always let her know when he wouldn't be in the office. Even when he was sick she would hear her phone alert her to a new message letting her know that he would not be in, usually accompanied by a request for a sponge bath.

It didn't help that she had shut him out the day before his absence. They were sparring and he knew. He always knew when she was off her game.

_'Kens, where are you?" Marty asked as he pinned her to the mat, again. He never bested the amazing Special Agent Blye. His question was met with watery eyes and he knew. 'I know the holidays are hard for you, but I am always here for you!'_

_'I'm fine!' she tried to sound sure of herself as she removed herself from his hold. She made quick work of drying her eyes and stood for another round. Deeks just stood there, arms crossed._

_'It's no fun if you aren't trying, Kensi… Talk to me, what is going on in that beautiful mind of yours?' Deeks smiled, trying to entice her to open up. The walls she had built long ago would sometimes lower, and she would let him in._

_She gasped. For some reason, his compliment struck a nerve today. She loved to see his smile, but today she couldn't return it._

_'I said I'm FINE. I don't need you to try to help me right now! Why do you never let it rest? Why can you never just leave things alo-'_

And that's when it happened. He had pulled her into an embrace, right in the middle of the gym. He wrapped his muscular arms around her waist and pulled her to him. When she looked up at him in surprise, he had answered with a gentle kiss. She had freaked out and ran into the locker room.

Kensi was pulled from her thoughts by one of the other patrons in the bar. The girl stumbled over, placing a heavy hand on Kensi's shoulder as she regained her balance.

"Hey, hi. I can't stand the… the silence anymore," started the girl. Kensi looked at her questioningly. Before she could ask the obvious question, the girl continued. "It's too damn quiet in this place! I need some music. I'm gonna go… go put some money in that jukebox over there. Any requests?"

"Uh, no, thanks. I don't care, really. I was just about to head out anyways"

"Nonsense! You should stay. At least let me get you one more round, just for being nice. And it looks like you might could use one. You look, you look kinda down." Kensi chuckled sadly at the girl. It was obvious she had had one too many rounds herself, but didn't mind another drink. The girl continued, "I think I'm feeling some blues. Blues just fit when I'm not my happiest. That ok with you?"

Kensi shrugged, "It's your money, you can play whatever you wish." Kensi gave the girl a reassuring smile as she slowly made her way over to the jukebox, stumbling a few times as she crossed the room. As the girl was putting money into the jukebox, Kensi heard the bartender put another scotch down. She thought about sending another drink to the nice patron, but decided against it. She was already going to need a ride home.

She took a long, slow drink from her glass as the jukebox kicked on. She felt she had to stay at least through this round and at least one song. It was only right, considering the girl had risked a drunken walk across the bar to make sure she wouldn't offend anyone by her musical choices. With that thought, the jukebox started up. It played a slightly upbeat song, with a little bluesy feel to it. After a few seconds, she could hear the soulful female voice start in.

_'I've been a bad, bad girl._

_I've been carless with a delicate man._

_And it's a sad, sad world_

_When a girl will break a boy just because she can_

_Don't you tell me to deny it_

_I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins_

_I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true_

_And I just don't know where I can begin_

_What I need is a good defense_

_'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal_

_And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against_

_Because he's all I ever knew of love'_

Kensi's ears perked up. Damn. There he was again, invading her head. And it was her fault, all her fault that the day before he left didn't end as she hoped.

Kensi turned off the shower and stood there for a few moments before the chill hit her again. The hot water was only a temporary escape. Now, she needed to get dressed and be prepared to face him. He never left without making sure they were good.

Slowly, she dressed and grabbed her things and braced herself for the confrontation. She entered the bullpen and immediately noticed his empty desk. Her heart sank. He left without making sure she was okay. And that was NOT okay.

She stopped at her desk to grab her key before heading out into the night.

She was pulled from her memories as she heard the inebriated girl singing along with the jukebox. Kensi laughed to herself, both at the girl and at how the song just seemed to be a perfect fit. It was especially funny that it was talking about a criminal needing a defense. It never ceased to amaze her how he was a lawyer previously. Had she not seen his law degree, she would have never believed. Everything else just fit too. She had been careless with her partner. He was delicate still from the Siderov ordeal. This song seemed to be written about their partnership. Well, except for the love part. She didn't love him… No, she couldn't love him. He was her partner and best friend, and nothing more.

She had to shake herself from that train of thought. She smiled as she remembered the moment he let her unload all the torture jokes after he had come back. It felt good to finally get their banter back. She had pushed him away every time he had tried to comfort her through the years. It had to be tiring from his perspective.

A new verse flowed from the jukebox. She allowed herself to listen deeply to this strangely introspective song.

_'Heaven help me for the way I am._

_Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done._

_I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand_

_But I keep livin' this day like the next will never come_

_Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it._

_I've got to cleanse myself of all these lies_

_Till I'm good enough for him_

_I've got a lot to lose_

_And I'm bettin' high so I'm beggin' you_

_Before it ends, just tell me where to begin'_

It clicked. How had she been so blind? Of the three months she had been waiting for her partner's return, it was this moment when everything became so crystal clear. I need to live like this day like the next will never come. She needed him. As soon as he returned from this op, it was time to open up. He had shared so much of his past with her. He trusted her. How had she been so blind? All those looks that gave her the warm, fuzzy feeling throughout her body, it all made sense now. She wouldn't be this upset if he didn't mean more to her than she allowed herself to believe.

With that thought, she drained the scotch from her glass and stood, grabbing her jacket. She put more money into the jukebox and told the girl to select her favorite songs. The girl muttered something, her alcohol claiming any coherent thought she tried to deliver. Her smile was enough for Kensi to know it was appreciated. As she exited the bar, she heard the last line of the song flow into the upbeat, bluesy instrumental heard at the beginning.

_'Because he's all I ever knew of love.'_

Kensi smiled as she left the bar and climbed into her SRX. She knew she had to prepare herself. It was time that she returned all of the trust and let him hear her feelings. Let him know where her mind had been during their sparring before he had been taken from her without warning.

The drive was quick and natural. She didn't even question herself when she arrived at his apartment instead of hers. What she did question, however, was the presence of his car. The hood was still warm. Just then, she felt her throat constrict and the color drain from her face. He was home. He was home, and he didn't let her know. She looked toward his apartment and saw a soft light playing against the curtains and could see the shadow of an excited Monty on the couch, obviously making up for the time he had been gone.

She breathed deeply and made her way toward the stairs leading to his apartment. It took every ounce of strength she had to lift her arm and knock lightly against the door. As she waited, the chorus of the song from the bar flooded her mind.

_'And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, because he's all I ever knew of love.'_

It seemed like an eternity before the sound of feet shuffled toward the door. It opened, and she was unable to hide her surprise as he slowly opened the door. He had been in the shower, and was wearing only a towel, held in place by a bruised and battered hand. As she looked at him, she couldn't help but take in the numerous bruises and cuts that covered his muscular chest.

"Uh, hi Kensi."

"Deeks! What in the hell happened to you?!"

"Oh, you know, the big, bad drug dealers don't exactly like it when one of their sellers recognizes you as the person who arrested them a few years back."

"You were made? How did you get out of there? Please, tell me everything!"

"Not right now, please, Kens? I'm tired, and just want to sleep this off. I will see you tomorrow."

He made an attempt to close the door, but Kensi knew what to say to keep her from having to leave. "I need you."

He stopped in his tracks, looking quite confused. "Huh?"

"I need you. I mean, I uh… I need to talk to you."

"Well, forgive me for this, but you don't exactly like to talk."

"I'm ready to talk now. I mean it."

He slowly stepped aside and opened the door, allowing her entry. Without a word, he escaped for his bedroom and shut the door. He came back out wearing gray sweats and his favorite LAPD shirt. His weary look was not lost on her as he made his way into the kitchen. He then arrived at her side and handed her a cold beer.

They sat in silence for a few moments before he finally broke the silence. "If this is your idea of talking, I think I would rather be asleep."

"Marty, I-"

"Marty?"

"That is your name…"

"Yeah, but you never use it. Should I be scared? Are you finally going to just put me out of my misery?" She could hear hurt in his voice.

"Wha- Huh? No. I just want you to listen to me." She looked into his eyes, gathering her courage. She needed to hear about his op first. "First, how did everything go with your op? You get the big, bad drug dealer?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"Don't you want to tell me about it?" Kensi urged. She couldn't help but sense his shortness with her.

"No. I want to sleep. It has been a long three months. I don't want to talk about my op, I just want to leave it alone and forget it. Now, you said you wanted me to listen to you. Go."

She took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts. "Well, I, uh… this is so hard for me, so please be patient."

"When have I not been patient with you?" She could hear the slight frustration in his tone. He was right. He had been patient with her the entire time. And now she may be too late to show her appreciation.

"Dee- Marty… I came out from the shower to apologize and you were gone. I figured you were upset with me so I just wanted to give you the night to cool off. Then when I came in the next morning, you were gone. And I was so lost."

"I have gone undercover before, Kens. You know it could happen at any time as long as I am still LAPD."

"Yeah, I know. But why didn't you let me know?"

"Bates told me to report immediately. I didn't exactly have a choice. Max was needed immediately."

Kensi cringed at the mention of that alias. She knew how much he hated being Max Gentry. No wonder he didn't want to discuss his op. "I just, I missed you Marty."

"There it is again. When did I become Marty to you?"

"When I realized I am in love with you."

Damn. She said it. She looked up from her trembling hands to find his eyes. She saw the shock in his face and immediately worried that she had messed everything up. "I'm sorry, that, I, uh… I should go"

"Stay."

"Stay?"

"Stay, please, Kens? I missed you."

"But, you acted like you didn't want to see me, Marty. Why would you want me to st-"

He captured her lips with his. The kiss was gentle, passionate. She melted into him and returned the kiss with all the emotions she has repressed for the last few years. She reluctantly pulled away. "I think I can stay for a while." The smile on her face could not be hidden.

"Kens, I have been in love with you for a while. Every time I tried to talk to you about it, you shut me out. Then you ran off that night in the gym after I kissed you. I figured I had messed everything up! I just couldn't stand it anymore. You can only be turned away so many times before you just give up." She could hear the pain in his voice. She had been the reason he was hurt. And it killed her.

"Marty, let us put all the uncertainty behind us. Can we please just enjoy this moment?"

He smiled and pulled her close to him. He leaned down and gave her a quick, gentle kiss before leaning into the couch, snuggling her into him. He turned on the TV and took a drink of his beer. It was only a few moments before Kensi realized he was asleep. And there was nowhere else she would rather be.


End file.
